I want to say goodbye to anorexia, but the thought process of it all, not my concious awareness of healthy eating. And YES there is a  difference.

To say goodbye to anorexia is saying goodbye to the rules of when, how and where I eat and yes some of it is what and how much, but to go and eat a carton of ice cream is going to another extreme. Selfloathing with food is just going to another disorder. Lets face it, every person in this country seems to have an obsession with food, some people wont admit or ever realize it but their life revolves around food too.

anywho, today in the caf line i was talking to a girl i dont know all too well but she was in one of my classes. She asked me "Do you know what the healthy choice is with sauce, I am trying to eat healthy." She doesn't know me well enough to know I am obsessed with healthy options, it was kind of one of those random moments you don't want to act like a know it all, but you don't want to play dumb. I answered her and she quickly said, yeah im trying to lose weight. Ok, to me she looks good, but I understood, still saying "You're tiny you dont need to lose weight. She told me quickly how she weighed 30lbs more before college and kind of gave me a quick life story and asked if I was naturally as small as I was. I answered to the best of my ability with my face feeling hot "yeah most of my family is small like me(which is true to an extent), but I am a healthy eater." She says oh so you never have to worry about being fat. I answered with a yeah i guess....

ironic, I look so perfect to some people from far away.

and another girl I can say is on the verge of an eating disorder. Too many girls in college have eating disorders its like everybody is a walking closet case. Its sad, but I really do believe its true.

Thats exactly the reason why you should never try to change for other people. Chances are they dont want you to be who they desire to be, its competition. Many girls want to see me junk so they dont feel bad about themselves as I eat an apple. Whatever I have a desire to eat healthy foods, to change what should be more ideal is unrealistic. I will not lower my standards of food or health and give into peer pressure.

I weighed myself yesterday.. im at 104. I dont know how this is possible. But its what the scale says is true. I am a heffer as of now.

should i be happy or sad? this is what I wanted.. weight gain. Well.. its kind of like wanting to weigh less and reaching your goal weight. You expect on a subconcious level balloons..idk and a parade will come out when you reach goals....

when all i want to know if I am doing the right thing by gaining weight.. I hafta ask is this what I want? I answer yes, but when I feel my bulging stomach and when I can't button my size 1 jeans

So its funny how I changed one thing about my life and now it seems as though I am in control of my life again.

I decided that working out, not to an extreme, but for 1 hr. max a day could actually help me from stop feeling so fat and lazy. so far i've worked out tuesday, wed, thur, sat. I skipped friday since I had therapy.

I do 30 mins. on the stationary bike= 6 miles, then I go crazy dancing around for like 20 minutes and its fun and relaxing

I weighed myself on my nana's digital scale w/out clothes on wednesday and I was 98.5lbs. I was confused on how to react idk if this weight is tooo low or low but ok for me, I was just thinking wow I should eat more...I need to gain weight..but for what idk it's just an automatic reaction since I'm under 100 i suppose. Funny how I am never satisfied...

I decided every girl at some point feels unhappy with their weight, every girl who sees magazines and sees all this media and skin and bones and has a scale is eventually going to feel inadequate. There are only few who are motivated enough to challenge and decide to change, rather than settle. But this motivation inevitibly turns into obsession unfortunatley.

You can't let anybody get in your way of what you want, YOU know yourself best. Sometimes we find we want what we can't have and the road we take to get what we want is a destructive path. No one could tell me I was wrong, I won't tell a girl trying to lose weight that they shouldn't diet or starving is wrong. I mean will try to add my 2 cents because I naturally want to help others but I have realized my situation, my food preference, my daily routine and brain chemistry is unique so losing weight for me is unique. There's no MAGIC in losing weight, but it's all behavioral how you think, reactions, when you eat, how, where, why etc. Anorexia is not the answer, its a disease and it took a breakdown to realize I was destroying myself, but it took a mircale for me to realize there is more to life than control of food and weight. College showed me I belonged, college gave me live interaction with girls with eating disorders, college put me in a place where I was forced to grow up and I was independent and most of all college is freedom from a town where I felt ashamed of who I was for many reasons, most were self-inflicting paranoia reasons.

I am definatley recovering still on my own terms. I know I am picky about my food, but I mean as long as I am gaining weight and it isn't severely interfering with my life that's all that I am aiming for. I want health and happiness, I am not trying to pursue recovery with unrealistic goals of being a "normal eater." I have been suffering for too long and I have come acustom to eating a variety of fruits and vegetables, whole grains, meats, nuts and I have no desire to go back to eating like a crazy woman on atkins or binging on junk food and purging.

Sorry.. I know this is a rant. But what i am trying to say is that if you've had ana for 1 year and you hated eating fruit and miss all your old foods I am not saying going back is easier, but for 6 years now I have only eaten ice cream out of spite in a pure rollercoaster of emotion. I was either on a diet or off, It was all or nothing, it was starvation, binging, purging.....I ruined the foods that appeal to most people and in recovery my philosophy of eating for a purpose perhaps saved my life. Everytime I think of a cookie I think of eating 20 and throwing them up, I think of ice cream eating it when everyone was asleep in bed going down to the kitchen to sneak a spoonful..which turned into a pintfull..which turned into a night of heaving and puking and flushing and repeat. I was out of my body, out of control and my weight was sky rocketing in my own eyes. To go back to this girl I would be making a mistake. I still don't trust myself with these foods and it might take a while before I can eat this.

If I eat good food I don't normally think "Aw shit, how am I gonna get rid of this" even when I am full it is easy to keep it in me because I know its GOOD for my body.

I promise myself that I am not missing out on not eating or wanting ice cream.. but to live the rest of my life without any sweets or forbidden food is a sin. Just now I am too fragile, I need time still, I need time..... 

but all in all I am doing ok these days, my life feels like a movie as I take every moment as a lesson I am a dork, I just love to learn from life and observe to capture what I feel like are the best times of my life. I have 2 sets of friends (home and college) and I have 2 rooms because college is my home as much as here is. I wish I could say this is HOME where I was born and grew up for 18 years of my life, but its not where I truley belong. The memories of myself growing up seems more like bad dreams than reality, but when I am happy it's too good to be true.

my Great aunt gave me a check of $500 for books for next semester for xmas.. generous? huh.. so that makes me feel good since I am a nut about money and fear being broke.

2nite I went grocery shopping with my mom, we cooked a porkroast together a homemade meal with spinach and roasted veggies and homemade applesauce. It was just the two of us cooking and eating while my dad and my brothers were at a hockey game. Afterwards we watched wedding crashers together, it was gilmore girls like... clicheness of the mother-daughter bonding but I really do love my mom and I bought that movie today cuz its fuckn crazy funny shit.

God bless whoever reads my shit. hahah... oh man I could talk to a brick wall. The more I write the more I realize I am on an okay path and my life is going to be alright, I know I'm alright and blessed, but I am missing something and I'm gonna say its L-O-V-E of the oppisite sex. 

I feel so fat lately, im scared to weigh myself.. i know im in the 100's...

if i am 105 idk what to do it was SOO SAFE in the 90's to eat and know i needed to gain weight

I FUCKING HATE THIS FEELING OF FATNESS...

i worked out 2day and started to write down what i ate again but im trying not to let it rule me.. can i feel skinny and not go back to obsession.. is this possible?

why is happiness so fleeting.. i was so happy and now im happy 1 sec, sad and lonley the next. wow being home sucks... i miss my old-new life at school

Right now im listening to my cousins' single she made about anorexia.. she's a great singer but i cry everytime i hear it.

i feel like im a 2 year old typing.. i dont know what to say. I am better than this damn disease.

my imperfection is that im searching for a perfect self, a perfect life. If I could let this go and allow shit to happen, allow myself to make mistakes and let go of all these ideals and phobia of having a beergut I would be fine... but anorexia is my challenge that just will never go away I've come to understand. I will have moments where it goes away (happy times) but if i dont remeber that  I have a disease when i eat then i figure it will bite me in the ass. I can't let go of who I am eating pure, its who i am now. Just like an overeater has to have a certain food i have to have mine to comfort anxiety of life... the safe foods.

my therapist is having me call her once a week ontop of meeting with her for appointments and she tells me I can call her if I think I am going to make myself sick or try to harm myself since I was VERY upset over thanksgiving break.. i can't afford to be 80lbs again. Im so close to being fat yet so close to being a bag of bones. This is a tough time for me...accepting the weight gain being home and lonley.

i got my period back for the first time since june, before that it had been a year. I don't really know much about anorexia and menstrual cycles and what it all signifies in medical terms, but I think that means my body has enough fat now and that I am at a healthier weight.

im trying to resist the temptation to work out and restrict now that im home from college for a whole month. I am so unhappy to be home, right now i am just relaxing, but i can't wait to be back at school and see my friends. I am going to try to maintain my new weight of 100, I don't want to gain anymore than 5 pounds while i am here. I drink alchohol, but i refuse to eat sugar still  unless its natural. I still haven't given into junkfood or poor eating habits except for stressful induced eating but i am eating fruit to snack on. but i am not throwing up anything, that is a road that is not worth my traveling...its a dead end.

I guess i'll update to keep myself sane while im home. hope everyone is having a nice holiday ;)

p.s. i ate a piece of dominos cheese pizza last saturday when i was very very very drunk at 3am with friends. This is not like me at all! Even when I was very shitfaced I would still not eat even an apple, but I realized after I ate it when I was drunk that it was wrong. Then I questioned myself why it was so wrong... I know it has a lot of calories, but I somehow got over it. When I woke up hungover the next morning I felt bloated than ever, I felt sooooo fat and I realized it cause I am not used to eating refined foods. It taught me an important lesson not to go down that path of drunken eating because it makes me worse the next morning AND that foods going down taste good..but get u back later!!